If you listened to the stories that are going on inside the head of a people-pleaser you would hear an assortment of messages focused on being liked and wanting to belong. In an article titled, 21 Tips to Stop Being a People-Pleaser by Margarita Tartakovsky M.S. she shares the things that you can do to stop people pleasing and the ways to address it with others from a NJ social psychologist.
Susan Newman, PhD. who is a social psychologist and author of The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It-And Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever says that “People-Pleasers want everyone around them to be happy and they will do whatever is asked of them to keep it that way.” In order to accomplish that however, they put themselves last without even realizing it.
Think about people-pleasing as a coping mechanism that you may have used as a child and it became a habit that you carried into adulthood. It kept you safe at a time when you may have been trying to avoid criticism or to keep the peace and avoid confrontation. Now that you are an adult, you have more awareness so you can change this habit.
The key is to remember that you get to make choices and decide. This is an opportunity to look at the things that you have been “automatically” saying yes to without even thinking about it. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Saying no to someone will not cause them to stop being your friend. They will respect you more for standing up for yourself. Also, If you have someone in your life who is a people-pleaser, ask them a few different ways if they really mean yes before you just accept it. It could be that they have a hidden “no” underneath that “yes”.