Client Question: “I am forever trying to control everything and I want things to be perfect. How can I stop doing this all the time?”
You may feel the need to control things when everything is going wrong around you or you are feeling really anxious inside. It can also happen when you want things to be perfect. Trying to create the perfect set of rules to follow or not ever allowing mistakes to occur is just about impossible. Why? Because control and perfection are illusions. You can’t always predict what things will happen and plan for them. Yes, you may dictate to others what to do and you may feel like things are perfect, but that is only from your point of view and it is only temporary. You are only projecting your own need for control and perfection onto other people. If they don’t respond with urgency or in the way that you are expecting them to, then you feel like you need to control the situation even more.
I recently read this article by Christine Carter called “How to Stop Being a Control Freak” which talks about using control as a way to manifest perfectionism. The article refers to a situation the author faced where she was trying to prepare her family for a fire or an earthquake. Being prepared for these type of natural disasters is a good thing to do. Taking the preparedness to a level that is over the top and acting more like a drill sergeant, may be a little too much. Trying to control the situation is coming from a place of making sure her family is going to be safe. In this situation, projecting her fears and need for control onto her family may just create more fear for them. Having the conversation from a calm place will allow everyone else to be calm about it. Another thing to consider is that children learn from example. I have seen many children who have learned these type of behaviors from their parents because that is what they see every day. Do you want them to start trying to control everything around them and do exactly what you are trying to stop doing?
I try to help people who are facing these type of challenges with a few questions to reflect on: What if everything doesn’t go as planned? What does that mean for you and what is the impact for others? What are the negative things that could happen? Write those things down. Are they as bad as you imagined them to be or are they manageable? Can you come up with a way to mitigate the risk around them? When you look back at previous situations that have occurred..how many of the bad things that you worried about or tried to control actually happened?
Now let’s flip it around. What are the good things that could happen? This question is always interesting because people will generally always go to the negative and think about what could go wrong first. They don’t see what other things may be possible. I use the example: “You are stuck in traffic and will now be late for an appointment that you have. You are stressed out and irritated that you can’t make this traffic move any faster.” (For most people this is unfortunately something that happens to them regularly depending on where they live.) I ask them to come up with 5 good things that can happen because you are stuck in traffic. Try this exercise for yourself. Can you come up with 5 things? How do you feel now that you have focused on the positive vs the negative?
Looking at it from a positive viewpoint helps you see things differently. You will be open to thinking about the situation in a whole different way now if you accept what is happening and that it is okay. It allows you to be in the moment and look at the situation with a whole new perspective. These behaviors have been with you for a long time and won’t change overnight, but it is a big first step. It takes time to accept the fact that things may not happen perfectly and you can’t control everything. Being aware of your thinking and making these kind of shifts is what will drive your behavior to change.
Are you working on changing your mindset? The power of a mastermind is there to help you move forward with the help and support of a group. Would you like to hear more about the Powerful Leadership Mastermind group that is just getting started? We have a few spots left for the group which meets every other week on Tuesday mornings.
The group is led by me and my partner (and cousin) Kim who are both ICF Certified Coaches. We are offering an introductory rate to join and we are looking for people who are motivated to make a change in their personal or professional lives. If you would like to learn more about it and join the group you can click on this link: Powerful Leadership Mastermind or reach out to me.
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