Have you ever heard the phrase, “you get what you give?” In the context of communication, it means however you speak to a person, their inclination is to respond to you at the same level. If you are angry, they will come back with defensiveness and their own anger simply because that is how you spoke to them. It is a reaction that happens very quickly and without much thought. Each person continues to escalate to the next level and may not even reach a resolution.
What if you chose to take a deep breath and respond with curiosity instead of anger? Ask them questions about what is going on for them in the calmest voice possible. Try to understand where they are coming from before you respond to them. Responding with a calm voice automatically starts to bring the other person down from their anger. This obviously takes a lot of intention to respond to them this way when they are angry. It is not your automatic response that you learned over the years.
Unfortunately, a situation like this where someone is angry may be caused by a miscommunication or an assumption that was made incorrectly. It can be a challenge to ever find that out if both people react in anger. Bringing down the level of anger and understanding each other’s position will bring a quicker resolution to the problem. How will you choose to respond the next time you find yourself in this type of situation?